Bittersweet Moments

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Many of the items that are in bold and underlined are good ways to describe how the past couple weeks have gone for me. And unfortunately many of them are more negative and sad. There has been weeping and a sad mourning. I have broken down crying more times then I wish to count. I’ve have lost something dear to me and I was the one who had to cast it away. This was the time for me to speak up, to love and hate at once. It is a time for me to longer embrace.

I have had to come to a place where I needed to tear someone out of my life, a man who once held my heart. It wasn’t all his fault, I’m not where near perfect. I was holding back my feelings, trying to get through life, not wanting my rays of sunshine to darken. But the choices that were being made towards me and the direction I saw my life heading were not ones I cared for, nor deserved.

There is a time to laugh or dance, and while I look forward to that time, right now I am in a bittersweet moment. I am giving up something so dear to me and have to turn and walk the other way. The life that I had hoped would work out is no longer a life that I want. The plans I made, the dreams I schemed, the love that I felt has all been shattered. According to the one verse, there is a time to kill. I guess you could say that I killed my relationship.

I never wanted things to go this way. I never wanted anyone to get hurt, myself included. I never wanted to have to go through my photos and decide if I should just cut myself out or burn the whole box. I never thought I would have to talk to so many people, trying to heal broken hearts that can’t be fixed. I never thought I would have so many tears in this bittersweet moment.

I say bittersweet for it’s a hard time. It’s not easy to swallow or chew. But it’s sweet for many good things are coming from this sad situation. I’ve seen forgiveness. I’ve seen true sadness and hurt and love. I’ve seen that moment in eyes when they express how sorry they are for all that has happened. I’ve heard people tell me they love me despite what happens, that no matter what, I’m welcome into their home. There is so much I am thankful for through this whole sticky situation. It just sucks it happened this way.

It all sounds so sad, reading what I just wrote. It has been tough. I’ve had so many people that I’ve had to talk to, cry with, share sad news with and grieve over the things that may never or won’t ever happen. But in reality, I am okay. I’m doing good. I had time to people, pray to God and think through these choices and know I’m okay. It hurts and there are times where I begin to wish differently. But I’m okay. And I will be okay.

With all this, I have chosen to leave Florida. It has been a grand adventure and I think that if I had to do anything different, I wouldn’t. It was hard and I hated it here at first. But Florida is beautiful and different, exciting and sunny warm. The friends I’ve made will always be a part of my heart. I loved my job at the preschool and it breaks my heart that I will be stepping out of the precious kids lives. But choices are arising and no one but myself can decide what I’m going to do with my life.

My next step to return to New York by the end of June, where I will live with my family while I find work and grieve the life that I had hoped. I need time to gather my thoughts, figure out where I’m heading in life and what I value. I want to grieve, heal, grow and allow God to clean out some closets that I’ve locked up.

There is a season for everything and this is my season of sadness. But there is joy in the morning, hope for the uncertain, grace for the hopeless and beauty for the broken. I’m not glad things happened this way, but I’m glad for the time I had, and for the future of hope, peace and love.

Keep me in your prayers if you remember, and hopefully I’ll be back, posting about my new, crazy fun adventures in New York with my family and friends. I don’t know what may be at the end of this rainstorm, but you can be sure that I will be looking for the colorful rainbow.

><>Heidi<><

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