I always say I’m going to write more. And I do, I come up with great beginnings, have crazy tales and stories that fill pages of my blog and conclude it all with a cute postage stamp of endings. And no one but my brain ever gets to see them.
This one has been roaming my brain for awhile now. It’s been two months since I moved back to my NY home. Sometimes it feels like it’s been longer. Other days I miss FL so much it’s like I left yesterday. Since being home, I’ve done a lot of babysitting, I’ve applied to 7-10 full time jobs, I’ve looked on nanny website’s and applied to 30 or more. I’ve driven to about 5-7 interviews, meeting men and women looking for someone to join their team or family. I’ve made phone calls, talking myself up to make people believe that I have more then 10 years of experience, even though I have one year of college education. I’ve built up hope and then gotten to meet people or seen the daily environment and felt it all deflate because I didn’t feel comfortable or the job was too easy.
And through these past two weeks I constantly am taking pictures of nature and God’s beautiful creation that we get to enjoy. While babysitting and strolling through the zoo or in the woods of park paths. While walking with a friend on a hike or driving down the road (Don’t try that, it’s not safe!) I constantly have been having these pictures appear on my phone, these pictures of paths right before they disappear around a corner. Or they continue straight until I can’t see them in the distance. Or they are full of overgrown weeds and shrub and can barely be made out.
And that’s how I’ve been viewing life as God has been leading me. He takes me by the hand and we go down a path so straight I can’t see the end. Then it comes to a bend, a surprise on the other side. He helps me plow through a path that hasn’t been cleared in a long time, a hard trail but an adventure like the rest. We come to creeks and streams, wading through cold water or hopping over rocks to keep our shoes dry. But there’s always bends and curves in the path. There are always a corner on the path of life that brings unknowns.
And that’s where I’ve been for the past couples weeks and months. Since returning from Belize, most of the jobs I’ve thought were in the future have fallen through. I turn around the bend in the road and there’s more jobs to apply to, more people to meet, more time that felt like it was spent in pursuing the wrong dream. Thankfully none of it has been a waste. I’ve met a lot of great people, made some connections and found people who want me if I ever went back to those jobs. But that job that God has said, “This this,” hasn’t appeared yet. Instead I just trudge on around corner after corner, thinking there’s a huge surprise and instead, there’s more disappointment and deep breaths to keep myself calm and not blow up.
I’ve recently come down to two nanny jobs. I’ve been praying and praying about which way to go. Do I take the left job or right job. (We all know it needs to be right! HA!) But seriously, if I take one, it’s fun and I get to thrive in new ways. If I take the second, it’s crazy and I get to learn to be confident in new ways. Both are blessing people, both are tugging my heart strings and with children I can never decide.
I have this love/hate feeling with choices. They are great to have, and I’m thankful for them but I don’t like having to choose. And so I’m sitting in the middle of a road, praying about which direction. God can bless us where ever we go. But he always has a direction and adventure that he wants to share with us and we need to learn to listen to his voice and follow that path that he wants to take us on.
In all, I’m enjoying life. Being home with family is great, I love having friends close by and NY state is beautiful to nature (and many paths!) I have jobs galore that pull me everywhere and many positive dreams for the future. I just have choices I don’t want to make yet, and am unsure about.
Thankfully, through all of the craziness, God is constant. He’s our rock, a strong foundations. When life gets weedy, he’s always right there, helping plant flowers of color. He shows us where to build our house so when these rains comes we can withstand the storms through him. He’s always protecting and loving, and leading his children. He knows what challenges are ahead and he’s always ready to take us by the hand and take us around the corner, to that one surprise and new adventure that will change our lives forever.
Knowing what that new adventure is, I’m not sure, but I’m excited to see where he leads me next.