I once tried to write a story about a princess that fell in love with a village man, but he got drafted to go to war and she ran away from the castle to find him and proclaim her love to this man who was a near stranger. I never finished it, but I had a battle scene and I had no idea how to write that. I asked a couple of my brothers for help and they gave me a couple paragraphs but even then, it made no sense. Slashing bad guys, swinging swords, bows and arrows, riding and horses and blood and dying people. What can be more boring to write about.
But the point of all that, is that while I didn’t know the right way about how to write about battles and fighting, I can relate in real life. I don’t always fight and battle life the right way. Recently for a couple weeks I was finding myself constantly trying to tell God how I wanted things to go in life. Whether it was related to my job, friends, future desires or my car, I wanted it my way. I constantly kept trying to take the wheel and drive the car. I kept trying to put myself on the throne. I kept picking up my sword, striding towards the war, tipping my chin up and saying, “Stand back, I got this, I know how to take down the enemy.”
And instead of winning the battle I tripped over my feet and got wounded in the process. So after picking myself up from that rough ground and limping away with my shattered pride, it dawned on me that I was being ridiculous trying to fight these issues that were arising. These battles were not mine to fight.
Let me take that back slightly. I’m not to be out on the front lines leading this battle. It hit me hard that while complaining to God, telling him how life had to go, advising him on how to handle the things that were going wrong, I was losing a part of my loving self. I was being judgemental. I was being stressed out. I was getting angry. I wasn’t actually allowing him to work and move because I was in the way.
The past few weeks, our Pastor has talked about seeking the Lord, serving him and following him daily. It’s been hitting me big time and I’ve been trying to make daily life changes to be sure that I’m spending more time with God. In doing that, I’ve had to continue opening the door to letting God take over the battle. Honestly it’s a battle in itself as I still want to advise him in how to handle situations. But I was talking to my mom about it and she reminded me that before Jesus went to the cross, he was praying and basically told God, “Take this cup from me. But not my will, yours be done.” And I’ve been trying to remind myself that I can do the same. After I’ve told God that I don’t like something, I ask him that his will is done. His good and pleasing and perfect will. Because ultimately he knows best.
And that’s where I’m at. Trying to make sure I’m lying my sword down, bending my knee battling with prayer. I’m not perfect and I mess up a lot. But there’s a freedom in praying and releasing the hard stuff to God. It’s been making my faith grow because I have to trust him to work out it, even though it may not look my way or go the direction I think it will. I get to tell God how I feel. I can sob, sing, be angry or just be still and listen. He’s not going anywhere. He’s a big God and can handle my mess of emotions. And he knows my heart better then me. He forgives me constantly for the way I think I’m better then others. He helps me humble myself and serve him.
I’ve had several people recently encourage me by saying that I’m a light. God’s got a plan for my life. And my simple yes of obedience can change the world in ways I can never imagine. I’ve been clinging to God’s word and what he speaks over me. His promises to never leave me or forsake me are holding me up. He’s the rock I stand on daily and honestly He is the only reason I’ve made it this far.
I think it’s hard to explain to people how I’m doing when on the outward appearance I’m doing great. I started to work after a two week break and I love nannying again. Alabama is full of beautiful souls and I’ve been loving meeting new people, especially young women my age. I have been enjoying the weather warming up and flowers that bloom all around us. I’ve been reading non-fiction, fiction, my bible, books for Sunday small group and children’s books to the kids. I get to kick my feet up and watch movies. I spent a night this past weekend making cookies at 2 AM…(You only live once and I’d never made cookies in the middle of the night soooooo…) I’ve been cleaning, cooking, playing with cars in the sunshine, helping Juju learn to ride a bike, hunting down nature with Noah and just loving life. But internally I feel so messed up. I think I understand a little how people can be so depressed but look so happy. I don’t want to give the impression I’m depressed. I’m quite happy and loving life and thankful to be where I’m at. There is just life stress, a little discontentment, frustrations over things I can’t change, people from my other homes that I’ve been missing and other little stuff that I deal with but one would never know unless they could peak into my brain.
But like I keep reminding myself, God is in control of these things. God has a plan. God is using me in ways that I’m not always aware of. And God is gonna bless me through the trials that I persevere through. Whether I see it now or in Heaven one day, he doesn’t forget his children who are faithful and continue to love like him. The truth through? Easier said then done!
I’ve been so thankful for the all that God has been teaching me and helping me through. While I still have days that I’m biting at the bit to charge head first into the problems that arise and take charge or control, I’m learning that I need to stop and allow God to take that part. My job is pray, listen and love. Seek him and his will. I need to step back and kneel. He’s got the rest under control.
Until next time,